I’m focusing on the wrong things right now. I thinking about a “friend” who let me down – this cancer business was just too much for her so she “gracefully” bowed out of my life. I’m thinking about another person who doesn’t want to subject her children to my son because she doesn’t think they deserve to have their happiness interrupted by knowing someone who might die. These people are so self absorbed. And I want to punch them in the face.
But I have to remember that there are people who don’t even know us who care. People who show up out of nowhere to love us. These other idiots, I just have to let them go. Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt a whole real lot.
And I have to understand that those people willingly cutting themselves off from knowing Ben are the real losers. Ben is so precious. He always has something wonderful to say – except for the occasional tantrum directed at his sister 🙂 He’s a wonderful and loving child. And I truly believe that he could teach those poopy heads a lesson or two about how to treat people. It’s going to be hard to teach him that there are just some people out there who cannot navigate life as well as he can. He would never willingly hurt another person.
I think what pisses me off most is the fact that he probably won’t live as long as these other assholes. This hideous world needs beautiful people like him. And you can tell me all day long about Heaven and what a beautiful place it is and how happy he’ll be and blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t make me feel better. I want to keep him. I can’t do without him. I shouldn’t have to do without him. I don’t want him to leave and I have to wait on this earth with all these assholes until it’s time for me to meet him again in Heaven. If I get to go, that is. And if it exists.
I am so mad today. I am so angry. I hate watching Ben lying there, unable to get out of bed. He’s so tired. So pale. So weak. And knowing that he’s set for another round of chemo in six days that is going to make this all harder for him. He doesn’t deserve this. WHERE ARE YOU, GOD??? WHERE ARE YOU?
Where the hell are You?
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